If there is one thing I’ve learned about social media, it is this: People take a lot of crappy pictures of themselves and then post them for friends and family to wince at, and comment, “Wow, that’s…you!”
Just so you don’t think I’m in a glass house throwing stones, or in a drag queen’s dressing room throwing shade (a more likely location for me), I have posted this masterful photo of me looking atrocious, yet ready for a night on the town. I have captioned it, “This is the best I can do.”
You know what’s not crappy? Posting fine art on your living room walls instead of a Facebook one. May I be so bold as to recommend art by my lil’ buddy, my sister from the same mister, Evamarie Spataro? You can buy her fabulous art wares on etsy or the new Look It’s Joanne store.
If I may again be so bold, I suggest you buy the giant octopus to put above your couch. Friends will marvel at how it looks like a real giant mollusk is going to eat your living room. No, not the Thin Mints on my coffee table! Take my sister who created you, you monster! Oh, the humanity!
In the spirit of painting a portrait with, uh, paint, or posting inappropriate Facebook photos, here’s a top five on social media photo etiquette.
1) Just Woke Up: I don’t want to see your bed head hair or know you sleep naked unless you are Javier Bardem or, um, Javier Bardem. It’s none of my business. Plus, how can I look you in the eye in person? We’d have to stay only social media friends due to my issues with counting sheep in the nude.
2) On the Phone: Listen, I know you’re super popular, but please, put down your cell phone for one second. I have a thing for ears and I want to see both of them without a phone hiding one. There. Oh, that’s the business.
3) Hey It’s Girls’ Night Heyyy: As Eva and I have deftly illustrated, some people take terrible photos of themselves before they hit the club (is that still a thing to say or do?). They do it as a form of self-flagulation, or even approval seeking, saying, “What do ya think?” If you do not truly believe you look amazing in your blue spandex halter dress, don’t take the photo. Just stay home. Besides, girls’ night is not all that. It often ends in a passive aggressive fight about which tapas you want to order as a group: “Oh, I wanted artichoke hearts, but I guess gluten-free gnocchi is fine.”
4) Engagement Photos: Listen, I’m glad you’ve found the love of your life, or at least the woman who has agreed to carry your children, but be selective. You get one day to celebrate finding the one you’ve settled for, so put up a few engagement ring shots, a little hand holding while strolling down railroad tracks, but maintain an air of mystery. It’s more exciting.
5) Smooching: I am happy you love your boyfriend. Really, it’s nice. But I don’t need to see you two sucking face. The way his sharp upper lip hair pokes your nose is making me lose my Thin Mints. I would like to see more profile pictures of couples shaking hands in front of a business park.