What Keeps Me Warm at Night

A lot of people come up and ask me, “Joanne, what keeps you warm on cold nights?” That’s when I scream “feshabbychicblanketderal hate crime” at them and blow the whistle around my neck. But I digress.

So what is it then? I don’t sleep on a pile of crisp green Abraham Lincolns every night, although I have a lot of dirty pennies in an old cashew jar marked “Vacation Fundz.” It’s not the satisfaction I get from knowing I was a pantsless light rail rider for charity. It’s not even the caricature my sister Eva drew of me where I look like Carol Channing in oversized glasses and a bolero tie — although that does fulfill my self-actualization needs.

I’m talking about a blanket, people. The thing you wrap around yourself when it’s about to wintry mix outside — not snow, not sleet, but ice barf.

I want you to know this is no ordinary blanket. It’s the Simply Shabby Chic Printed Floral Blanket from Target. My mom bought me this slice of sleep ambrosia after my week reporting at last year’s Democratic National Convention. And boy did I need it. My eyelids were drooping to my knees at that point and my skin was the consistency of yellowed paper.

Then I wrapped myself in the Shabby Chic Blanket for the first time. From then on, I slept in a warm patch of sunlight even if the outside temperature was too hot or cold. The printed pink and red roses made feel like a comatose princess in a French garden. I had no worries, no obligations, no alarm clock to jolt me awake for work.  The soft micro plush hugged my body like memory foam.

When I had all four of my wisdom teeth pulled out, the blanket was there. Mixed with my prescribed twice-daily hydrocodone, I was unconscious for most of the third week of September. I usually woke up in a puddle of my own drool to swallow some applesauce and fall back asleep. That and my sleep deprivation at the DNC means I don’t remember much of September 2012.

I tell you about my drug/blanket-induced haze because I want you to make the same mistakes I’ve made. Forget the bread and butter rush at the food store when it’s about to wintry mix. I urge you to buy this blanket instead, not because I get a cut from what will now be skyrocketing sales — which I don’t, by the way. I just want you to sleep away ice barf weather — and if you legally have hydrocodone, I highly recommend using this in combination with your new blanket.

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