It started out innocently enough. We had been introduced years ago. We’d stop and chat once or twice a year in the wintertime. Then our across the room glances began to sizzle with hot, electric chemistry. I’d stare at her green box, Girl Scouts Thin Mints scrawled across her lid. My mouth watered.
I knew it was forbidden. It was too dangerous to get any closer.
But this past winter was too cold to not spend it warm and together. From January until early March, I had not one, not two, but three dalliances with Lady Thin Mints. She had 24 cookies per box, I ate three boxes worth, so you do the math, because it’s too hard for me in or out of a cookie-sex haze.
I never felt more alive and so morally corrupt at the same time. She was smooth and chocolaty on the outside, minty and cool on the inside. My lips hummed with the taste of her, my mouth a temple of pleasure when we collided. Ours was a potent intimacy that gave way to my secret meta-life.
But there was a problem: That bitch was making me fat. A serving size is technically 160 calories, which is four cookies. I was having eight, sometimes ten, a day. I was voracious in my time with her and it was starting to show. The button on my pants popped off after one of our mid-mornings of passion. Co-workers asked why I had chocolate in the corners of my mouth. My hair was askew from, uh, forgetting to brush it. I guess that wasn’t Lady Thin Mints related.
I had two lives: One where I could act out my deep, chocolate-filled desires while my real life was burdened by work and family commitments, plus wearing appropriate cardigans to the office. I sadly had to end my crunchy, minty affair to concentrate on making my real life better, even if it wasn’t as exciting as ripping the tab off a fresh box of Thin Mints and getting all in it.
Now that you know about my steamy affair with Lady Thin Mints, I have five tips on how you can answer her siren song as friends, not lovers:
1) Treat yourself to only TWO mid-morning cookies. You may realize, to your horror, you have already eaten a bowl of cereal and an after breakfast bagel with cream cheese. But Thin Mints don’t have cream cheese. Although, you could add cream cheese and make a sandwich. I’m being a deviant again.
2) Use her beauty to bribe co-workers. I had to grease the wheels of success at my day job, so I brought my friend along to our receptionist, whose help I desperately needed. Let me tell you: Lady Thin Mints was more than glad to give me a hand. I’m sorry, I’m being disgusting again.
3) Have a good cry at the movies together. Don’t pick anything too romantic. Movie of choice to cry with Lady Thin Mints to: Definitely not Amour. This French movie, which won Best Foreign Film at the Oscars this year, will make you lose your — uh — cookies. You will ugly cry about how you and Lady Thin Mints will never grow old gracefully together. You will yell at the screen: “How the fuck did that pigeon get back in their house?”
4) Stop sobbing. You’re making the box wet with your tears. Perk up knowing the Girl Scouts are LGBT friendly. Take stock in knowing the Boy Scouts still ban gay adults and children while the Girl Scouts have loved on the LGBT community for years.
5) Don’t weigh yourself. Or at least wait two weeks until Lady Thin Mints has left you and taken back the leopard underwear she left in your top drawer.